Sunday, May 12, 2013

I lost my consciousness, and after that..

I opened my eyes to find myself, in the middle of nowhere. Shocked, i was.

I screamed, I shouted, with every ounce of strength in me and only uttered water bubbles. I tried to grab something with my hands, and caught only water. I tried to find a ground beneath me feet, tried to reach to something by stretching my toes, only to panic more. I was in the midst of nothing but water. Light as heaven, up above and dark deep down below me.

I moved in every way possible to come to the surface, just once. I made random strokes, trying to preserve what was left of my breath and reach the surface. I was running out of breath and my movement wasn't helping much. I ran out of breath and began gulping a bit of water and out of panic i moved my hands and legs, i felt like i was climbing on the top of various water layers, that i am almost there. And my hand felt the air. My face will come out too. And it did. I rushed. I had to breathe all that i can. this was the only chance. But I breathed nothing but water. The sunlight was making the water above my head shine like angelic glows from heaven. It was shining, it was bright, it was hope. And below my feet was the dark, unknown, unpredictable, bottomless, never-ending, yet somehow peaceful, the 'end', which seemed to have no end at all.

And i began sinking again. My legs felt weaker, arms tired, chest aching, mind helpless. The shiny water surface began disappearing. Nothing but darkness below me. I began sinking. Beneath my feet was ascending darkness. So dark, i can't even say if there was water down there, or some land, or some soft grass, or some more deep dark valleys. I have to try again. I don't have any other choice. I gathered all focus, tried not to think about what's down there. Up there, is where i have to go, i thought. I put my tiredness aside, and tried pushing water down with my hands, with my legs, as much as i could remember about swimming. But it was nothing like swimming in a 7 ft. deep pool. "how bad it can be to give up, to drown, to not try anymore, just let go, to gulp some water and die, death is peaceful", these thoughts kept filling my mind as my body ached trying to push against water above me. After resolve-breaking efforts, i made it to the surface, for a heartbeat. And i was too tired to breathe in that one brief moment.

"Lets give up now", my mind told me. I kinda wanted to. "but if i give up now, i'll never have another chance to try again. Even if for a moment i give up, and lay back, i'll not be able to make it to the top, out of these waters, ever." So i didn't waste any time in deciding that. I decided to keep trying unless i make it through, that i am never ever giving up. I can't. Giving up is not an option. "Give up, eh? Huh, over my dead body" And you know one of those moments when your body doesn't have the strength but your resolve alone gives you the real physical strength to try beyond your threshold. And I gave my all. I felt the energy. I felt the motivation. I didn't think about letting go. Not even once. I just kept trying. Struggling my way through the water that was heavily pushing me down. Stroked water in every way possible. My eyes set to the shining light up above. I didn't look down. Eyes fixed on the target, "this has to be it", i kept telling myself. I reached to the top. And that moment when i got to the top, "what for? to sink again?", i realized. I was too tried to have pushed myself to limits, that i didn't wanna breathe anymore.

The journey to the end began. My lungs were aching, filled with water. Legs and arms too tired to feel even pain. I didn't want to reach to the top anymore. I wasn't thinking. I stopped convincing myself. I just stopped. I didn't tell myself to "sink" but i didn't tell myself to "try" either. I just half-spread my arms and legs and rested in the laps of the ocean. My eyes were beginning to close. I could see the dim shine. Getting dull. May be it was me sinking or may be it was me loosing my head, or may be it was my eyes closing. But darkness closed in on me. I could feel the water beneath me, felt like i was the water itself, moving, waving, like a leaf falls riding atop the breeze. You know the moment, when sometimes you are so tired from the day, you work all day and are dying for a bed to relax, and then you come home and you just let loose of yourself, and just fall on that comfy bed. It was better than that. The waves were all i could feel. Passing me by. Taking me with them. As if i met an old friend who just took me by my hand and pulled me with him. And I felt my lips curl into a satisfactory smile. I just put my hands into that friend of mine and flew away. I was prepared to embrace the end, with a smile.

Here, look, I made it to the top. I finally did it. I don't know how, but i did. Though something's missing. It seems like i left something at the bottom of the ocean. My head's still buried in water, my body's floating. I face towards the bottomless depths. What is it there that i am still hung upon, what is it that's weird about me. Did i just close my eyes...? Forever..? Did i literally loose myself..?? Or is it just a nightmare..?? Did i loose myself to just come up to the surface. "Not like this", my eyes whispered.

"And I still lie asleep, at the bottom of the ocean."