Sunday, May 12, 2013

Tears won't flow tonight

I am not feeling sleepy at all. It has kinda become the routine these days. I never thought i'd be riding the waves i am surfing right now. One good friend of mine once remarked my life as being "roller-coaster", for whatever reasons, though.

From past 2 months every time i go to bed, some sort of nostalgia takes over my head, and i start feeling numb, expressionless. As i rest my head on my pillow, waiting for me to feel drowsy, i can't help but let a few tears flowing through my eyes fall. A lot has changed in the past 2-3 months. Well some may say my tears are my weakness. I say its not. Its just how i know how to express. My tears are masters of their own will. Won't listen to me. And i don't try to control them either. Cuz i am not ashamed of crying, letting my tears fall, showing my emotions. But that does not make me weak in any possible way. People kept telling me that i am weak cuz i cry easily. Well, buddy, there's a difference between crying out loud and letting your tears flow. You see, i don't cry, i just let my tears flow. No one ever gave a logical explanation of how crying makes you any weaker than you are. Be it a girl, or be it a guy. 

For me its just a reminder that i am still alive, i still feel, that i am fighting for something. It reminds me that with every drop that falls out of my eye, i endure more, i learn more, i grow more. I grow to be a more understanding, sympathetic, compassionate person. I will love more, cuz its the absence of love in one or another form that makes tears fall out of my eyes. I will be the reason someone's tears won't want to fall out  anymore. It makes me a better person than i was yesterday. It enable me to look at someone else's watery eyes and see a reflection of my own self, in one and all, irrespective of who they are.

Tonight, tears are not flowing out of my eyes. Tonight, i just don't feel like letting my tears out. No, its not because i am tired, its more because my eyes need rest, they're hurting.

Suddenly tonight, i dont give rat's a** about anything. I just want to write and write and keep writing. I want to keep listening to instrumental piano music while i pen down everything in my heart. But it still ain't gonna be enough. So what, like i care.. ;) I am just gonna write anyway. 

I may seem like a sad person to you. But i really am not. I am way different than i seem these days. Sometimes i feel like i need to rediscover me, like i lost me somewhere on this way. Trust me, once upon a time, a few mistakes ago, i used to be fun. I used to be carefree, changing everyday, dynamic, enthusiastic, zestful, uncertain, clueless, focused, falling and getting up, stumbling, struggling with myself, never still, always chasing after something or other, running wild, and laughing like crazy.
"I used to be Different."